Russian Etiquette
Russians only tend to smile to their close acquaintances and may feel uncomfortable if a stranger smiles at them.
The habit to wear outdoor shoes at home is common in many countries, but not in Russia. In fact, it shocks Russians to the depths of their souls! It's like getting into bed in one’s boots and a coat. Russians always take off shoes upon returning home and change into slippers (tapochki). They very rarely go barefoot in the house. Each family member has a pair of slippers, sometimes even two: winter and summer; and there are also several extra pairs for guests. The same goes for home clothes. Usually one has a change of clothes, and it's not pajamas, which are only for sleeping. A bathrobe is worn after showering, or in the morning. In general, Russians like to change clothes and don’t understand how one can spend the whole day in the same outfit.
Several years ago one could smoke almost everywhere: In airports, cafés, trains. But now you can only smoke in the street (but not closer than 15 meters from the entrance of metros and railways stations), in your own car, and in special smoking rooms (“kurilka” in Russian).
Anything other than a first name basis between friends is unthinkable – unless the speaker is being ironic or trying to scold the other person. When Russians hear their surnames spoken by anyone other than a member of their own family, they feel a pang of discomfort that – albeit brief, immediately inserts a distance. Mother Russia – in order to be big and strong – has traditionally relied on sculpting state-serving machines out of traumatized children (some would say). Russian kids learn from an early age that a surname is reserved for conducting official relationships: those between a student and a teacher, a patient and a doctor, and so on. Soviet authority – wherever seen – always provided some manner of unpleasant interaction, making individuals the victim of circumstance.
The Russian facade of toughness usually is a communication methodology, which has proven to be very successful when Russians deal with Russians. But when Russians deal with non-Russians, they know that their ‘vlast’, or ‘sila’, which are the words for ‘authority’ and ‘force’, may work against their benefit. The Russian habit is to hide emotions behind the poker face or behind a cold face. Russians have feelings like any people. They hate, they love, they’re enthusiastic, they’re anxious.
Russians themselves talk about their coldness by saying: strangers here who smile are either salespeople or pickup drivers. "Don’t you know that this is merely a pit stop on the road to entropy?”
In Russia, if there are problems with neighbors, it’s usually solved privately. Sometimes people agree right away (and this saves time), although sometimes it results in verbal altercations or even apartment wars. But what’s for sure: the last step is to get the court get involved. Russians are suspicious of laws and the police. But sometimes the complaints become too wild to handle.
Russians often do not know how to distance themselves and, more often than not, do not understand the phrase “personal space.” One or two steps is a comfortable distance between people when they talk. Close friends and sales consultants, who have seen someone for the first time in their life, can stand closer. This is considered normal in Russia.
Russians can seem like people who prefer to live their life with a three-meter fence installed around them at all times. Russians believe that if you don’t say anything, then everything planned comes true, and they worry about privacy almost everywhere. For example, when visiting a psychotherapist. In the West, visiting such a doctor is a sign of well-being. In Russia, it’s a sign of madness.
Russians have many mysterious etiquette "buffer zones,” which vistors probably learn about the hard way as no one on will tell them about them. When paying put the money on the counter or in the little dish that’s on the counter. The customer puts it down, they pick it up, then they put the change down, and the customer picks it up. Russian shop assistants don’t like touching customers’ hands – "Put it in the dish, don't invade my personal space!" Russian don’t look at a person standing next to them in an elevator or at a bus stop late at night. They are therefore telling them: "I do not see you and therefore do not represent any danger. Likewise, don't say hello."
When surrounded by strangers, Russians tend to seek anonymity. Keepings distance and not making eye contact is the perfect way to stay invisible. If given an opportunity, they would take another elevator in solitude. So don’t hold a grudge, Russians believe that these are good manners – try not to invade their personal space in return. When on public transport, follow the same principle – remain invisible. For example, don’t smooch in public: singletons, grumpy middle-aged women, and babushkas who have forgotten what intimate contact is like don’t want to see you playing tonsil tennis. Also, don’t eat while on the subway or bus.
Russia gender stereotypes still hold sway: men are expected to use every opportunity to display their masculinity and financial clout, while women are expected to appear fragile and reserved. Russia is not a country where feminism rules supreme. Moreover, it often turns into another ingenious game, where “yes” means “no” and “no” means “yes.” If a woman is carrying a heavy bag, a man should offer to help her. She may refuse at first (out of politeness, not because her feminist sensibility has been offended), but here (pay attention) a polite man does not back down, but insists. The rule of not offering one's help until you’re asked for it does not work here. Men hold heavy doors for women, give up their seats on public transport, pay for women in restaurants, and refrain from foul language in women's company – most of the time, anyway.
Russians change their shoes when they get home. They have special footwear for home (slippers), while some – of particularly rebellious spirit – walk barefoot at home. Well, this rule is easy enough to follow, however, sometimes the boundaries between public and personal space are so blurred that a foreigner gets easily confused.
Guests invited to a Russian's place will probably be shown where they can wash their hands – and invited to wash them. Russians are usually pretty obsessive about washing their hands, especially after being outside or on the metro. If guests insist on not washing their hands they will not be looked upon favorably.
Russians are always in a hurry, so as soon as they strike a deal, they're gone. At least, this is the impression foreigners get. Some Russians have started to master the art of small talk, but most do not see the point of it. "Russians often consider this 'talk about nothing' a waste of time. We like to get to the point straight away," says Alexander Antonov, a businessman. So, our advice is not to bother with extraneous chatting. It is unlikely to be appreciated. Cutting to the chase is a better option: ask straight away what they want, when they need it and how much they are willing to pay.
Despite the fact that the average Russian tends to be rather blunt and is used to speaking their mind, they are not very good at saying No. That's why their typical strategy is just to 'disappear'. If earlier you agreed on something (verbally) and then your Russian counterparty changed their mind, they will rarely tell you directly. Most likely, they will simply stop answering your calls and messages. Rude? Maybe. But a Russian believes that is better than to say No to somebody's face.
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