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Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen Finley Peter Dunne

Whin we plant what Hogan calls th starry banner iv Freedom in th Phlippeens, said Mr. Dooley, an give th sacred blessin iv liberty to the poor, down-trodden people iv thim unfortunate isles,dam thim!well larn thim a lesson.

Sure, said Mr. Hennessy, sadly, we have a thing or two to larn oursilves.

But it isnt fr thim to larn us, said Mr. Dooley. Tis not fr thim wretched an degraded crathers, without a mind or a shirt iv their own, fr to give lessons in politeness an liberty to a nation that mannyfacthers more dhressed beef than anny other imperyal nation in th wurruld. We say to thim: Naygurs, we say, poor, dissolute, uncovered wretches, says we, whin th crool hand iv Spain forged mancles fr yeer limbs, as Hogan says, who was it crossed th say an sthruck off th comealongs? We did,by dad, we did. An now, ye misrable, childish-minded apes, we propose fr to larn ye th uses iv liberty. In ivry city in this unfair land we will erect school-houses an packin houses an houses iv correction; an well larn ye our language, because tis aisier to larn ye ours than to larn oursilves yours.

An well give ye clothes, if ye pay fr thim; an, if ye dont, ye can go without. An, whin yere hungry, ye can go to th morguewe mane th resthrantan ate a good square meal iv ar-rmy beef. An well sind th gr-reat Ginral Eagan over fr to larn ye etiquette, an Andhrew Carnegie to larn ye pathriteism with blow-holes into it, an Ginral Alger to larn ye to hould onto a job; an, whin yeve become edycated an have all th blessins iv civilization that we dont want, that ll count ye one. We cant give ye anny votes, because we havent more thin enough to go round now; but well threat ye th way a father shud threat his childher if we have to break ivry bone in yeer bodies. So come to our ar-rms, says we.

But, glory be, tis more like a rasslin match than a fathers embrace. Up gets this little monkey iv an Aggynaldoo, an says he, Not for us, he says. We thank ye kindly; but we believe, he says, in pathronizin home industhries, he says. An, he says, I have on hand, he says, an fr sale, he says, a very superyor brand iv home-made liberty, like yeer mother used to make, he says. Tis a long way frm yeer plant to here, he says, an be th time a cargo iv liberty, he says, got out here an was handled be th middlemen, he says, it might spoil, he says. We dont want anny col storage or embalmed liberty, he says. What we want an what th ol reliable house iv Aggynaldoo, he says, supplies to th thrade, he says, is fr-esh liberty r-right off th far-rm, he says. I cant do annything with yeer proposition, he says. I cant give up, he says, th rights fr which fr five years Ive fought an bled ivry wan I cud reach, he says. Onless, he says, yed feel like buyin out th whole business, he says. Im a pathrite, he says; but Im no bigot, he says.

An there it stands, Hinnissy, with th indulgent parent kneelin on th stomach iv his adopted child, while a dillygation frm Boston bastes him with an umbrella. There it stands, an how will it come out I dinnaw. Im not much iv an expansionist mesilf. Fr th las tin years Ive been thryin to decide whether twud be good policy an thrue to me thraditions to make this here bar two or three feet longer, an mannys th night Ive laid awake tryin to puzzle it out.

But I dont know what to do with th Phlippeens anny more thin I did las summer, befure I heerd tell iv thim. We cant give thim to anny wan without makin th wan that gets thim feel th way Doherty felt to Clancy whin Clancy med a frindly call an give Dohertys childher th measles. We cant sell thim, we cant ate thim, an we cant throw thim into th alley whin no wan is lookin. An twud be a disgrace fr to lave befure weve pounded these frindless an ongrateful people into insinsibility. So I suppose, Hinnissy, well have to stay an do th best we can, an lave Andhrew Carnegie secede frm th Union. Theyse wan consolation; an that is, if th American people can govern thimsilves, they can govern annything that walks.

An what d ye do with Aggywhat-dye-call-him? asked Mr. Hennessy.

Well, Mr. Dooley replied, with brightening eyes, I know what theyd do with him in this ward. Theyd give that pathrite what he asks, an thin theyd throw him down an take it away frm him.

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One Billion Americans: The Case for Thinking Bigger - by Matthew Yglesias