APPENDIX
E: HOW TO HAVE A REALLY ROTTEN
RETENTION
PROGRAM
In the past, some units on their own have managed to have bad retention programs; however, until now there hasn't been a guide established for those units who want to hit rock bottom in a hurry and stay there. The following rules will guarantee that you reach that goal:
1. Give lip service to retention programs.
2. Promise a lot in incentive policies, then have unit commanders and NCOs "short change" or refuse to back up the promises.
3. When giving a retention interview, make sure you let the soldier know who the boss is and how much of your valuable time you are giving up in doing this mandatory interview. Gig him for a haircut or shoe shine while you have his attention.
4. Discourage leadership by example. It could catch on!
5. Wait until the last possible minute to flag substandard soldiers; after all, it does take a lot of paperwork. Better yet, let them slide!
6. Encourage NCOs to bad-mouth the Guard in front of troops.
7. Don't encourage education; after all, the unit can't afford to do without a good soldier for a few weeks. Send a "dud" if you have to send anyone.
8. Don't make long-range plans to improve the quality of life in your unit. You probably wouldn't get an immediate benefit from it anyway.
9. When other units consistently do well in retention, tell everyone that they were "just lucky" and don't talk to the commaner to find out "what" and "why."
10. Change your retention NCO around as often as possible; this helps confuse everyone.
11. Try not to challenge your soldiers. They probably prefer being bored on the job anyway.
12. Be inconsistent! This will really help to lower morale.
13. Keep your unit bulletin board the same month after month. If it changed too much, too often, people may start to look at it.
14. If retention must be mentioned when talking to the troops, make sure they understand that you consider it a "pain" and that you have more important things to worry about.
15. Blame the "Government" or the "State Benefits" for your low retention rate. This takes pressure off you while diving for the bottom.
16. When things are going well in the unit, make changes to keep everyone on their toes. Call this progress if people object.
17. Don't let your Additional Duty Unit Retention NCO have access to you any time he needs it. Put him off for a few drills. By then, he will forget why he needed you in the first place.
18. Don't educate officers, NCOs, and soldiers on retention. The statistics may jump up!
19. Keep troops and the chain of command informed as little as possible. Too much information may create a sense of mission.
20. Consider the Full-Time Support Recruiting and Retention NCO an enemy of the unit. Whenever he suggests improvements in the retention program or points out problem areas, imply that he doesn't understand the hardship of the command and what hassle he is creating by his ideas.
21. If all else fails, ignore the battalion retention NCO; even the best of them will eventually give up if you treat them as an outsider.
22. Show favoritism.
23. For those commanders not wanting to be on the bottom, a reversal of the above rules might just put them at the top.
Appendix
D: Where to Go to Find an Answer to Your Question Matrix
Appendix
F: Acronyms
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